Joel arrived home with his meat balls in a metal container, explaining that it wasn't the taste so much as the teasing that led him to shut the case and eat less for lunch. Christy had assumed that Joel would enjoy something different; that at a younger age, different might be better or simply different. And so, in first grade, we are already dealing with the dilemma of social conformity, social acceptance and finding one's voice.
It's a mess mystery that we haven't figured out. Yet, it's only one of many paradoxes we experience:
- Stay safe but stay free
- Experience socialization while being a non-conformist
- Love as an act of both justice and mercy
- Developing convictions while understanding that morality is often contextual
- Guiding our children while also letting them be themselves
- Figuring out when motivation needs to be more push or more pull
- Learning to be both independent and interdependent
- When I lost all this free time, time itself became an act of liberation
I'm sure there are others. Often, I miss the paradox until I find myself arguing a point too boldly or acting too much like an expert. I step back and realize that I've lost my balance and I recognize that truth, especially profound, relational truth, often exists in paradox.
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If you're interested, I just released A Sustainable Start: A Realistic Look at the First Year of Teaching.
Thank you for sharing. I feel deeply aligned to this post. I have always had a hard time with experts when it comes to my children. I am open and inquisitive yet, I find it hard to imagine a stranger truely knowing what is best for my kids. As I parent I have needed guidence outside of my head and sounding boards to reflect on descions that will nuture the uniqueness of each of my kids. Looking for mentors who have gone before me. Looking for experience. Possibly looking for the experienced me in the pages of thoughtful manifestos. That being said, I question that there is a pre-concieved map that will lead all children towards a happy and healthy life. I am aware I am limited to my own experiences, but I am also freed by my experiences with the will to learn from them. I believe we all have our own path. Who am I to say what will soften the edges or sharpen the tools of another person, including my children? The bobbles and weaves feel different for each of us, no? The triumpuhs and victories indiviulized. I parent with mistakes, with fraility and contradictions. My will to be honest with myself is my hope to be able to listen to the cues of these special beings that I am graced to guide and honor. In my 39 years I have witnessed some amazing paradoxes of parenting styles that leave the mystery alive and well as to what works for one might not work for another. As well as the kids who had it 'all' and feel empty, while the kids who were negelected were able find an inner unbreakable strentgh. And I hope to never get trapped into thinking of the answers before the individual. I envision my love for my kids will be an anchor that will never have to be questioned. I know I am a work in progress, it is that humaness that makes us "our" family.
Thank you for this post. So true what you say... And I'm starting to head into those waters with a child just beginning Kindergarten.
Hi! I'm Isaac Evans, and I'm a student in EDM310 at the University of South Alabama. I'll be summarizing this post and one other by Sunday 9/11/11 on my class blog at www.evansisaacedm310.blogspot.com.
You bring up a very interesting point - that nobody really knows all the answers. I feel like many teachers and professors I've had have seemed to think that it's "their way or the highway" - and that is the opposite of how to be a good educator.
All students learn differently, and we as educators have to appreciate and understand this in order to adapt to it.
Thank you!
Isaac Evans
www.evansisaacedm310.blogspot.com
@iwevans_edm310
LOL this is exactly what I love about parenting, especially the paradox of social acceptance and non-conformity.
These days I find the Alfie Kohns of the world far too sure of themselves.
Dear Pitita,
"The triumpuhs and victories indiviulized. I parent with mistakes, with fraility and contradictions." I love that line. So true.
Dear Elizabeth,
Thanks for the kind words. Kindergarten was a hard adjustment for me, especially given how passionate I am about what I think it should look like.
Dear Isaac,
It's been a long, slow process for me to even listen to the folks who think they have all the right answers. And yet, sometimes I slip into that role myself.
Dear Royan,
I'm with you on Alfie Kohn. I like him, but I would like him to be a little more vulnerable and a little more open to paradox.
Great post and great thoughts in the comments here! Yes, lots of paradox and "gray" areas in parenting! You have described many well, John! Well said, Pitita!
Like I often say: There will always be parenting advice for every stage along the way, but remember, it is advice....you don't have to take it! :) It's a lot about knowing your kid(s), and what works for your family.
And you have to make decisions that may put your child in a less conformist "position" in order to support what feels right and what lets them be who they are, and maybe your whole family as well. It is about finding a balance that feels right, even if it is not perfect.
My teens often talk about the decisions we made in the past about many situations, and they will talk about how some decisions affected them socially, and in school. We can still laugh and cry about many things we have had to guide them through, but what I sense is a respect from them that we have earned as parents because they know we honoured who they were, or needed to become, and kept true to our values, even if it was difficult. It was not without a lot of dialogue though about why things are or appear, and working through things in a respectful way...of ourselves and others.
I think in teaching and parenting, kids will respect you for both your successes and mistakes.